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Sunday, July 16, 2006 1:21 AM

From : Yantian Koh
Sent : Friday, June 30, 2006 1:30 AM
To : skykohwc@hotmail.com
Subject : letter 2

*PS: no forwarding to YG again! (confidential)

hey, why you suddenly put down again? every time you do this, i'll always feel so worried about you that i can't get to sleep... well, now i would like to tell you something.. hope it is not hurting, because i am being very straightforward here.

i totally understand the one-sided feeling you have, mainly because i, myself, have felt the same way as you do.. this feeling comes and goes, sometimes it comes so badly that i cry. i mean it. i know i've always unknowingly make you have that horrid feeling, probably because i do not show my emotions and how much i love you... i.e. i don't make you feel loved. frankly, you should have realised, that i am rather uncomfortable in openly showing how much i love to you, as i was afraid that i might be taken as being very flirty(which is the last thing i want to show about myself). I cannot deny that this is probably my weakness in this kind of relationships, as you would not know what i am feeling and thus the insecurity part comes in.

basically, the reason that i am unwilling to show that i love you is because of the promise of starting the relationship 1703 days later. you've made it clear that we are purely friends now, but you should have noticed that we are still not acting like friends. we've seriously not made a clean break between bgfs and friends. knowing that we are friends, I believe i have hidden my affections pretty well. self-control is very important in this area, but i do not want to know that because of me trying very hard to just become good friends, i've hurt you. i sincerely do not want you to fall too deep again (which i think you might have). I totally understand the harsh agony of falling too deep and not having the power to relieve yourself of this agony, because i have experienced it myself, when i have written my first letter. i have felt the same pain as you did, the feeling of wanting to disappear from the face of this earth and never come back. the feeling of wanting you so much but feel so helpless about what is happening, and not knowing what to do to salvage this. i do not want the guy of my heart to feel this way.

all in all, we lack a key factor: trust. we lack the trust that both of us will keep by this promise. i must admit that i often suspect that you might not keep this promise, and before 1703 days even past, you will forget me. this feeling is inevitable, i believe you feel the same. you might feel that i might like someone else, and forget all about you. but let me tell you, i am considered serious when it comes to relationships. if i every have a boyfren, i will treat him in a way where i am certain he is the ONE, or my future husband. i have never wanted to "play the field" or have many boyfriends, because i think it is weird to know that i have had many close contacts with guys before. thus, i am reserved when it comes to relationships, always making sure that the person likes me a lot before even commiting into a relationship. and you are the first one i believe in. if not, i will never have agreed to the promise.

probably in the future, you will have the one-sided feeling again... this feeling will always be present, in every relationship, esp this one, where we are both unsure of each other yet. often, i find it impossible that we could last 1703 days, with both of us going to JC and meeting people of the opposite sex, probably better ones that ourselves. i have never held high hopes that we will last 1703 days, but secretly in my heart, i have wished that it would happen. if we every last 1703 days, i am certain that our relationship would be very strong, and we would last forever.

last words: believe in me, as much as how much i believe in you. if you are able to believe in me, the one-sided feeling will never come back again. sometimes, i do get the one-sided feeling as well, but i constantly remind myself that you will never break your promise. at least, even if 1703 days later we are unable to become bgfs, we will still be extremely good friends.

hope you have learnt much more about me... study hard and stay smart! always be the perfect (at least in my heart) weiqi i've always known!

love, Yantian

*skykohwc*;

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