Sigh... due to certain unforseen circumstances, I have decided to propose a long-d (distance) relationship. Sigh i noe, everyone will be laughing at me now, thinking im a failure. Sad. It's okay. I dun care about how others think. I care about how u think. And i hope u think the right way. And she agreed to my "proposal". Im glad. So im gonna call her only once a week. Yupp. And that is the only time we can be together. That's our time. Friday/Sat morn, 12am. Set. In school now. Doing stupid things like blogging. Haiz. What to do? Sch life is boring. Together with Terence and Chongmin. Now. Physically. But my heart is somewhere else. Somewhere deep down within, in your heart.
Hm people will think that i was dumped. Seriously, the reasons why I have proposed this was due to several reasons.
Firstly, due to us not wanting to affect our homework. In this stage of life, where it concerns your future, you have to be decisive. Prioritize. Make sure that your first priority is always studies. Studies should take precedence. Seriously. As chongmin has suggested. And as what my mum always say. Study hard, get a gf later in life oso can.
Secondly, we want to be free. A relationship is difficult to keep, maintain and we are only 16. We muz keep our options open to everyone, and not limit ourselves to only 1 guy/gal, like what we r doing now. Sigh. I hope from this, i noe i still like her the most, but i hope that she wun get jealous when i go after other gals. Cos it's normal. Open ourselves to more people, foster more friendship and perhaps relationships, then choose the best one later in life.
Thirdly, because of our parents. Particularly mine. The 31st cold war has just erupted between me and my mum. Over her. And she feels sad. Sigh what should i do? Make my mum happy by not going steady and neglect her for the time being? Results in a long d relationship. Sigh.
Fourthly, she is afraid of hurting me. Bad. Always when i fell too deep she's quite concerned. So am I. So we keep a distance from each other, will definitely decrease our desire for each other.
And she agreed to go as far as hugs. Im not despo. I dun want to hug her. I just want to get closer to me. Make her noe i care. That im beside her when she needs me. Esp when she cries.
Love u. Love school.
Wow what a night for me yesterday.
We started off talking about stupid topics like *** and bgfs, values and principles of life and finally proceeded on to me asking her which stages of relationship will she allow.
1.Holding hands
2.Holding shoulders
3.Hugging
4.Kiss on cheek
5.Kiss on lips
6.Hugging with hands auto-roaming aka ‘feel’ trips
7.French Kissing
8.Then all those stuff that you fantasize about (sick stuff)
She said stages 1 and 2 can… but I was saying: “How could I make my gal feel loved without stage 3?” So we “bargained” for hours. “How could I love without hugs?”
But I understand why she refused. Her principles disallow. She said that she is afraid of going too fast. We are only 16. She knew I won’t hurt her, but she’s afraid of hurting me and the time has come.
Then we cried. I started first. She said in this case she will bend the rules and hoped she’s beside me to comfort me. Hug me. I said: “It’s against YOUR principles.” How insensitive. Then she cried. Hm… How ironical. 2 ppl crying for each other. But can only have their bolsters next to them to comfort and hug. And imagining the bolster is the other party. I pity the bolster :P
She said it was nice that I asked her what to and what not to and respect her decision. Hm. The first time I had cried for a gal. Hm. What has become of me.
She gave me a reluctant reply. I wasn’t actually gonna be that kind of guy to hug her and never to let go all the way. I simply meant for us to get closer together. And I’m not gonna progress past stage 5 before 21.
I wanna listen to her reply. Its almost 12. Have she woken up? Bet she is still tired. And drowsy. With red eyes. Same here.
Wednesday, July 19, 2006 6.29pm
haiz.. i know i am a person who is lousy and un-understandable. basically, i suck. don't know exactly why someone will like me. for my immaturity? youth? cuteness? voice? tt sounds like i am vulnerable to other gals winning you from me. other gals who are younger. more immature. prettier. cuter. less sucky. but what can i do? snatch you away from them? sometimes i wonder, if you fall for someone else, what will be my reaction? cry like i always do. or worse. i don't wanna think about it.
i don't know how to express my love for you. i love you so much... so much that i think of you every minute, every second, every time. so much that i have become delirious. that i can neglect my studies. that i can crazily smile to myself when i think of you. get lost in your voice. the charming laughter. everything about you.
well, i just don't say it, but sometimes i imagine myself in your arms, locked in lips with you, hands warmed up by you, even living with you forever. and i don't like telling people about this. i don't like people calling me a despo. but you can call me that now. coz i know i am one. wow i am a despo.
because it is you, i don't mind being a retard. i don't mind being called a noob. i don't mind you laughing at me. because it is you. do you think someone will enjoy being called a noob or retard? i obviously also like people calling me smart or something similar. But because of you, i don't mind. I enjoy being a retard, because at least you will rmb me, as a retard. and to me, tts enough. once you are happy, i am.
sometimes, you always try to say things to make me feel jealous. probably to test me. i don't exactly tell you that i am jealous. i always say my fave phrase "er.... hm." or something. whenever you tell me about other gals, i get all uptight and worried. afraid that you might fall for them. afraid of losing you. but i should think more positively. you tell me because you want me to know. you don't want to deceive me in any way. i understand. i will.
i think too much. you wanna name your child Rui Qi. is it because it's WR + WQ = RQ? LOL. i hate myself. for thinking too much. WOW. tsk. i hate myself.
i always receive your calls. i seem to appear very free, probably i am not. i just place you in higher priority. i thought that i can always pia after you sleep. i must treasure my time with you. even if it means lack of sleep. now my dark circles and eye bags are appearing. i look horrid.
come on, it's not that you are insensitive. i am the one, counting the number of times i hurt you. at least you say it out. i don't. i suck. hm. i wonder, how can you be so open about ur feelings? why am i always unable to do the same? why am i constantly hurting you? unable to give you what you want.. i suck.
in conclusion: i suck. because i love you.
You are the first gal that cried for me. I was moved. And twice somemore. <3 u foreva.
G2g le. Mugging for math tmr. Although i not very confident. But will always think of u.
Gdnite.
Why do we always quarrel? 难道打是疼骂是爱? I dun believe. We need trust. We need what we consider a REAL relationship. Yupp we need that. The thing that has always been missing. The thing that sticks guys and gals together. The glue. Contact. Am i being too mean? You ain't a retard. I am. Couldn't appreciate you. Rmbr the incident about me putting down suddenly and have u call me 34 times from 4 to 5am? Even yg was shocked. He called me 6 times at 1.30am. I know u care. I didn't mean to break your heart. I was too insensitive. Rmbr the incident about u telling faus about her being mean to me? Ya. I noe u care. Tts y u did that. I was too insensitive. Rmbr several times I put down and tried very hard to act sad when i didn't get my heartwarming last words from u? I forced you so hard against your will. I noe you care. But you dun show. And i wun noe. It's not your fault. Im too demanding. I was too insensitive. Rmbr several times I laughed, joked and called you evil things? Rmbr several times I joked of other gals and said great things about them? I was trying to share. I didn't noe it hurts. I didn't noe you took it seriously. Sorry for being a retard. A quote from chongmin, "A retard is someone who has nothing left in his right brain and nothing right in his left brain." I was too insensitive. ------------------------------------------------- Rmbr ytd, where we were toking about me <3 u is greater than u <3 me? And i said all sorts of stupid things? Saying i was testing you? I broke your heart. I was too insensitive. After reading this, choose an option and go to the next stage:
Rmbr ytd, i was rapping to you about wr's bdae? And i said things that you didn't wanna hear? Like wr being my greatest crush or sth? I was trying to share how i felt. I broke your heart. I was too insensitive.
Rmbr just ytd, u told me about when you think that a gal is not chio, please dun say it in front of her? Im sorry. I shouldn't have suaned you and said " Tiannie, you're DAMN chio!!!" omfg how i broke your heart. I was too insensitive.
hm it's my fault. I HAVE BEEN TOO INSENSITIVE.
A) Ditch/dump/throw/toss me for my insensitivity for a better guy.
B) Slap me. WHACK.
C) Postpone this relationship. Put it on hold.
D) Forgive me. This shouldn't be the answer.
CWR
KYT - Current
CCFS
FLYP
Rain
HSH
NRY
QPX
In close contact:
KYT
FLYP
CCFS
GLJX
Dear Tian:
Keep this msg. I will come looking 4 u on 27 Feb 2011. Wait 4 me til when i am ready. this is my promise to u tt i wun forget. I love u.
Frenz 4eva, weiqi.
From : Yan Tian
Sent : Tuesday, July 4, 2006 1:00 AM
To : skykohwc@hotmail.com
Subject : letter 3
do you know why i don't like to say last words? i don't want to make you or myself fall deeper again.. and thus i promised myself not to say them, because i know it's best for us not to fall so deep again and experience the agony once more...
sometimes i do say them, which makes you happy, but i am disappointed with myself for breaking the promise i made to myself. and when i don't, you will be sad, and this breaks my heart. but i am still contented about the fact that i managed to keep my promise with myself. both ways i will be sad, but i've got to make a choice. the correct one. fast. but sometimes i wonder, is what i am doing now right? should i extinguish this flame of passion once and for all and hurt you, rekindling it back 4.5 years later? or should i continue with this passion which i know is at the wrong time, but not hurt you?
please try to understand me. the fact that i dun say last words is not because i don't mean what i say, but because i have made this promise with myself, and i don't intend to break it. i'm not letting my heart rule over my head.
i know you don't trust me. i must admit i sometimes also do not trust you. the only way for me to trust you is that i am certain that you will not break the promise; the only way for you to trust me to to be certain that i will not break the promise. so... yea. i'll rather we act like siblings for now... and 4.5 years later get together. then suffer the fate of everyone disagreeing with our relationship. coz in this way, we'll also be sad. but i think in the former, we'll at least be reassured of our stand. and probably get hurt for a shorter time. i will surely want a relationship where everyone supports our relationship then like now.
yupp. have a nice day. :)
- yantian
From : Yantian Koh
Sent : Friday, June 30, 2006 1:30 AM
To : skykohwc@hotmail.com
Subject : letter 2
*PS: no forwarding to YG again! (confidential)
hey, why you suddenly put down again? every time you do this, i'll always feel so worried about you that i can't get to sleep... well, now i would like to tell you something.. hope it is not hurting, because i am being very straightforward here.
i totally understand the one-sided feeling you have, mainly because i, myself, have felt the same way as you do.. this feeling comes and goes, sometimes it comes so badly that i cry. i mean it. i know i've always unknowingly make you have that horrid feeling, probably because i do not show my emotions and how much i love you... i.e. i don't make you feel loved. frankly, you should have realised, that i am rather uncomfortable in openly showing how much i love to you, as i was afraid that i might be taken as being very flirty(which is the last thing i want to show about myself). I cannot deny that this is probably my weakness in this kind of relationships, as you would not know what i am feeling and thus the insecurity part comes in.
basically, the reason that i am unwilling to show that i love you is because of the promise of starting the relationship 1703 days later. you've made it clear that we are purely friends now, but you should have noticed that we are still not acting like friends. we've seriously not made a clean break between bgfs and friends. knowing that we are friends, I believe i have hidden my affections pretty well. self-control is very important in this area, but i do not want to know that because of me trying very hard to just become good friends, i've hurt you. i sincerely do not want you to fall too deep again (which i think you might have). I totally understand the harsh agony of falling too deep and not having the power to relieve yourself of this agony, because i have experienced it myself, when i have written my first letter. i have felt the same pain as you did, the feeling of wanting to disappear from the face of this earth and never come back. the feeling of wanting you so much but feel so helpless about what is happening, and not knowing what to do to salvage this. i do not want the guy of my heart to feel this way.
all in all, we lack a key factor: trust. we lack the trust that both of us will keep by this promise. i must admit that i often suspect that you might not keep this promise, and before 1703 days even past, you will forget me. this feeling is inevitable, i believe you feel the same. you might feel that i might like someone else, and forget all about you. but let me tell you, i am considered serious when it comes to relationships. if i every have a boyfren, i will treat him in a way where i am certain he is the ONE, or my future husband. i have never wanted to "play the field" or have many boyfriends, because i think it is weird to know that i have had many close contacts with guys before. thus, i am reserved when it comes to relationships, always making sure that the person likes me a lot before even commiting into a relationship. and you are the first one i believe in. if not, i will never have agreed to the promise.
probably in the future, you will have the one-sided feeling again... this feeling will always be present, in every relationship, esp this one, where we are both unsure of each other yet. often, i find it impossible that we could last 1703 days, with both of us going to JC and meeting people of the opposite sex, probably better ones that ourselves. i have never held high hopes that we will last 1703 days, but secretly in my heart, i have wished that it would happen. if we every last 1703 days, i am certain that our relationship would be very strong, and we would last forever.
last words: believe in me, as much as how much i believe in you. if you are able to believe in me, the one-sided feeling will never come back again. sometimes, i do get the one-sided feeling as well, but i constantly remind myself that you will never break your promise. at least, even if 1703 days later we are unable to become bgfs, we will still be extremely good friends.
hope you have learnt much more about me... study hard and stay smart! always be the perfect (at least in my heart) weiqi i've always known!
love, Yantian
From: "Yantian Koh"
To: skykohwc@hotmail.com
Subject: letter
Date: Sun, 18 Jun 2006 01:07:30 +0800
Just wanted to say something from the bottom of my heart now... I might not be able to express myself very well... but I really plucked up a lot of courage to say it… and took the risk of you hating me.. so forgive me if it sounds nonsensical but I want to say it now before I don’t have any chance in the future...
actually you might not know that but I really like you a lot… and this is my first time feeling this way… and sometimes my whole mind is filled with you that I am unable to concentrate on my own stuff… sometimes I deny wanting to hold your hand or lying on your shoulder… coz I was afraid that you might think that I am an “anyhow” person…but actually I feel otherwise... I don’t know whether you have this feeling but it’s true... I really enjoy all the times I had with you… I get really happy… whenever I feel down… the first person I thought of was always you… and sometimes once I put down the phone or when you go offline… I suddenly feel lost… I get rather insecure and worried… about whether the promise will be forgotten… coz 4.5 years is long... this feeling is really very bad… sour and cry-able (you get what I mean)…I know I am weak but sometimes I feel that bad I cry… I guess that is my weak point here… and sometimes I want to call you but I was afraid that you might be angry with me for being irritating and expecting too much from you... I have never told you about this nor shown in any way coz I was really afraid that you will not like me anymore after knowing (because I know you don’t like people crying)… but it’s really not your fault so don't blame yourself or anything... I guess I am really taking things so seriously but that just something I cannot control… you have already made it very clear that we will be very good friends but I guess I am falling too deep and taking things too seriously. Sometimes I really hate myself got falling too deep… for taking things so seriously and not taking things easily… for liking you too early and not meeting you 5 years later…
now that I have voiced out my feelings… i feel much better and I will not live with regret… maybe you’ll feel that I am being stupid… maybe you haven’t had this feeling before… but it’s not a good feeling to have... next time if you get this feeling you’ll understand… actually I won’t blame you if you don’t like me anymore… at least I know it is impossible and it is me being yi xiang qing yuan and I will try to give up… I can see that you are trying very hard to lessen the hurt so I thank you in advance… now I totally understand why parents don’t want their children to get into a relationship so early, they just wanted to save us from the hurt of relationships..
Finally, if it is still possible, I really hope to see you in 4.5 years time. Before that, I will try to get over this and carry on with my life until your 21st birthday arrives. We’ll purely be friends first. I promise that. Concentrate on your studies. I love you. Good bye. (I hope i still can continue to call you or sms you :) )
Love,
YanTian
ABOUTZ
Weiqi
16 since 27th Feb 1990
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